The Hopkins Male Beauty Pageant is growing in leaps and bounds. Now, it has gotten international and even interstellar attention, with a strange visitor from Mars gracing the show. It was all in good fun as proceeds went towards the North Nodaway PTO to help teachers and students.
A last minute entrant, Jasmine, who looked like NEN grad Colton Swalley, was the surprise winner of the pageant this year. “She” made plans to enter it next year if former Bluejay baseball standout Dylan McIntyre were to hit five home runs or pitch a complete game shutout for his new team, Northwest Missouri State. But “she” was prevailed on at the last minute to enter in this year’s edition.
When “she” entered the contest, Jasmine busted some moves and so stunned the other contestants and the crowd that none of the other contestants could come up with any special talents or skills that could catch up. Even a feud between Keisha, who looked like Owen Coleman, and Dirty Shirley, who Keisha called a “retard,” did not derail the momentum that Jasmine had. Jasmine said that people had to pay for more, which got plenty of wallets to open up Saturday.
Keisha, who looked like Owen Coleman, hailed from South Virginia. “She” took the idea of confederacy to the next level, declaring that South Virginia was its own country. “She” travels the world, is fond of swimming, and doesn’t care if “her” black socks are in or out of style. “I don’t need talents, I’m just that beautiful,” said Keisha.
Kahina hailed from Bedford and came for the street fights, but had not found a fight yet since coming to Hopkins. “She” said “she” should be the winner because it would help “her” fight career. “She” wanted to be rich and famous and see all “her” posters.
Delirious, who hailed from St. Joseph and who was one of the oldest contestants ever to enter the show, looked like Mark Spire. “She” was going to Bedford because “she” heard that the swimming was good there. However a check of the Iowa DNR website found that while the Lake of Three Fires State Park was open, swimming was not recommended there because of contamination from E.coli. Delirious makes periodic trips to New Orleans, where “she” has a good time and can see quite well despite “her” age.
Ruby said “she” should win the contest because “she” was a gem. “She” was decked out in red for the pagent, but “she” said “she” would look good in any color. “She” hailed from Overland Park, where “she” gets a lot of business. “Her” game is to come into small towns and run away with the beauty contests, because they don’t know what was coming from “her.”
Becky hailed from Downtown Hopkins, and swore “she” had no talents despite everyone wanting “her” to sing and dance. “She” was 32 years old and was very short. “She” admitted to interacting with the homeless man from time to time, seeing “she” was from his neck of the woods in Hopkins.
Karen hailed from Kentucky, which people found hard to believe, because “she” still had all “her” teeth. “She” works at anything that can pay, and “her” special talent was that “she” could win anybody over because “she” could cook.
Minnie from South Dakota is a professional snake wrangler. “She” catches rattlesnakes and butchers them, selling them to local restaurants for $3,000 a snake. “She” can catch 150 per day. While rattlesnake meat is not widely popular or mainstream in South Dakota, it does have a niche appeal among certain outdoor enthusiasts, survivalists, and novelty-seeking diners. It may appear occasionally at wild game feeds, hunting expos, or specialty restaurants. Prairie rattlesnakes are common in that state. So Minnie doesn’t have to do a lot of work to make a living, since there is a niche market there and can spend the rest of “her” time plying her trades. “She” spends a lot of “her” time and money getting “her” hair, which has many colors, just right.
Rhonda from Mars won so many beauty pageants on that planet that “she” got kicked off the planet and sent back to Earth, where “she” kept right on winning. “She” sported a stick from a camel’s leg; they have camels on Mars. “Her” hobbies including drinking beer and smoking dope. Mars has transcended the need for money; however, they do have elections. They recently had an election between Sleepy and Daffy, in which Sleepy won and Daffy sent everyone to the Red House, believing it was rigged. “You call them politicians; we just call them liars,” “she” said.
In an interview afterwards, Rhonda said that businessman Elon Musk, who has spent billions of dollars in an effort to get a manned mission to Mars, didn’t have a clue and that people had already made it to Mars while the media was not paying attention.
Dirty Shirley hailed from Germany and does not believe in shaving legs like the rest of the contestants. It didn’t stop “her” from busting a move. “She” came to Hopkins because “she” had met Dennis, one of the band members, online and wanted to see him in person. They shared a passionate hug at the end of the show.
Keisha was named the best dressed. Kahina had the best hair. Dirty Shirley had the best personality.
But not everyone was pleased with the outcome, with Dirty Shirley and Ruby saying the result was rigged. “I should have busted a move. You don’t know what you missed,” said Ruby.
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