Bella won the Male Beauty Contest at the Hopkins Picnic Saturday night as a threatened rain did not materialize and the evening was clear and warm. It was all for a good cause as proceeds for the event went to Camp Quality to help a kid go to camp who otherwise couldn’t afford to go.
The first contestant, “Lexi,” was a professional dancer, although “she” was a little shy about showing her talents to the crowd. “She” said that the people “she” least wanted to win was the girl with the Mohawk “because she was so weird” and the “girl” in the sombrero “because she was worse.”
“Brenda Bugotti,” who looked like the popular wrestler Hulk Hogan, invited emcee Mike Coleman behind the stage. “She” also wanted to help the musicians set up, but they did not need her “help.” “She” said the girl “she” least wanted to win was the “girl” with the Mohawk.
“Jacqueline” liked the food and the rides at the Hopkins Picnic, and “her” talent was her smiles.
“Rogelita,” otherwise known as the “girl” with the sombrero, said “her” special talent was working the egg roller. “I go to the chickens, and I roll out the eggs,” “she” said. “She” said she had many boyfriends and that “she” didn’t want “Bella” to win “because she’s a hussy.”
“Dixie Delight” had a tattoo on like John Deere. “She” was a beautician and was full every day. “Her” talent was making Mohawks in less than two minutes. “She” said the person “she” least wanted to win was Rogelita “because she showed us how to take teeth out.”
“Freda O’Lay” was trying to drum up business and believed that Hopkins had potential. “She” said the person she least wanted to win was Rogelita, “because I haven’t seen ‘her’ Green Card.” Freda said if Rogelita didn’t produce, “she” would call Donald Trump.
“Ginger Snapp” said she deserved to win the pageant because she was the “best quality” person. “She” works all day in Maryville and said that money was good. “She” did not want to see “Brenda” win, “because I look better, and ‘she’ doesn’t work where I work.”
“Ms. Candy” was from Nebraska passing trhough. “You have a lot of beautiful people here, but you don’t know what a good football team is all about,” “she” said. “She” drives a Big Queen “Sexy Tractor” for a living and does all the fun things on the farm that people from Nebraska were expected to do. “She” said the two people “she” least wanted to win were “Lexi” and “Jacqueline,” because “I have so much more charm and experience and they’re too innocent.”
“Linda Longarms” would have dwarfed six-foot North Nodaway girls basketball standout Madison Thompson and would have come close to measuring up to either Will Runde at 6’8” or Devan Jackson at 6’5” and growing. “She” said “her” beauty tips were illegal, but all-natural. “She” said “Brenda” was too “way out there.” “Look at all that hair,” “she” said. “Linda” said “her” own hair was blue and was much more natural. And “she” said “Brenda’s” armpits didn’t match “her” hair color.
“Angel” was anything but, as “she” was serving time in prison and had to be transported up to do the show. “She” said “she” got two months off for good behavior and doing the Beauty Pageant, but still had six months left on an original one-year sentence. “She” was charged for Making Fluid Without a License and plans to open a boogaloo in Hopkins when “she” got out of prison. The hope was that “she” would hire a male technician and the ladies would come in droves to get their oil changed. “She” also knew how to toss a salad. “Angel” said that she didn’t want “Dixie” to win, because “nobody likes her.” “She” plans to go with the flow and ask no questions this time, but does plan to join the “Me Too” movement “because I got pinched and slapped in the Big House.”
“Bella” had an obvious talent as a belly dancer. All her life, “she” had wanted to hide her ID, but she had developed a reputation. “She” did not want “Dixie” to win because “she messed up my hair.” “She” did not want “Angel” to win because they had competed in dance competitions before. “She” said “she” would show off her beautiful figure if she won. “She” secretly admired “Rogetta,” because of the tattoo with the “R” and the pierced heart on “her” arm.
“Bella” and “Jacqueline” were the crowd favorites. The judges voted “Lexi” third, “Dixie Delight” as second, and “Rogelita” as first runner-up and named “Bella” the overall winner.
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