How do you know if you love someone enough to make a lifetime commitment? At a recent class in Henry County on healthy relationships, one teenager’s response was typical: “You know when you think about them all the time, you want to be with them all the time and you cannot imagine your life without them.”
“Many teens believe that love is enough in a relationship and that love conquers all,” notes Lisa Wallace, a University of Missouri Extension human development specialist who teaches “Relationship Smarts,” a class designed to help teens learn about themselves and the characteristics of healthy dating and marital relationships.
“If you have been married two years or more, you know that there are no guarantees that your relationship will last without hard work from both partners,” she said. “The more you know about each other and the more you communicate about important issues involving your relationship, your future and your expectations, the more likely it is that you will succeed as a couple.”
Wallace encourages all couples thinking about marriage or a commitment to discuss the following questions:
-Do you believe “till death do us part” is an important ideal and intention of marriage?
-Do you want children?
-When should a couple have children?
-What if one spouse wants more children?
-How should the number of children be decided?
-What do you expect regarding work, career, more schooling and how you’ll make a living?
-Does responsibility for providing family income rest with one partner more that the other, or is it shared?
-If there are children, will or should one (or both) partners reduce work time to take care of them?
-Household tasks: Who will do what?
-Will you participate in a religious community?
-Will religious celebrations or rituals be observed?
-What if there are religious differences?
-What are your expectations for standard of living?
-What is more important: amount of wealth, meaningful work or free time?
-How much of what a person is feeling would you expect to be shared in a relationship?
-Should partners keep secrets from each other?
-What are your expectations regarding money?
-Do you think couples should pool their money or keep money separated?
-Should partners have both joint and personal accounts?
-Who will pay the bills? How will money decisions be made?
-What are your expectations regarding credit and financial habits?
-What is your attitude toward credit?
-How much debt do you currently have?
-How important is saving for you?
-What does financial responsibility mean to you?
-What would you expect to see regarding financial habits with a spouse?
-Do you believe one parent should be home full- or part-time in the child’s early life?
-Would you use full-time childcare?
-Do you believe in living together without being married?
-Do you think living together is no big deal or an important step toward marriage?
-Do you believe a healthy marriage is important to children?
-What are your feelings on divorce and how it affects children?
“As you make your way through the list of questions, don’t despair if you don’t agree on everything, because most couples won’t,” Wallace said. “But you need to negotiate to find a common ground that both can accept on the vital issues such as number of kids, expectations regarding money and religious differences. Differing views on these three issues often lead to a shattered relationship.”
For more information from MU Extension on relationships, including feature articles, answers to frequently asked questions and learning opportunities, see http://missourifamilies.org/.
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