“Daisy” Wins Male Beauty Pageant at Picnic

“Daisy” won the Male Beauty Pageant Saturday during the last night of the Hopkins Picnic. It was a tough call for the three judges, all of whom were lobbied heavily by the contestants before they rendered their verdicts. But in the end, they decided that the one with the least denim was the winner. It was all in good fun as it was a fundraiser for Camp Quality, which treats kids with cancer from 4 to 17 to a retreat for a week.

The first runnerup was Katie Scooter, who butchered a cow to get the leather shoes she was wearing. Sassy Sally was second runnerup and “Granny” was third.

The first contestant, who looked like Owen Coleman, didn’t even remember “her” name, although “she” soon got one in Penelope. She said she knew she was a good kid, and her best quality was in doing things. “She” helped her grandparents feeding sheep and cows. The contestant “she” least wanted to see win was the “lady” in the yellow hair, because, “She’s ugly!” Penelope maintained a running feud with the “lady” in yellow during the course of the contest.

Naughty Nurse Nancy’s special talent was in giving the men anesthesia. “She” was constantly checking out the people, especially their prostates, and she supposedly works at the Nodaway Vet Clinic. The contestant “she” didn’t want to win was “Daisy,” because, “She has too much skin!”
Twinkle had a sister in Angel, and her special talents were passing out beer and the night life. Her least favorite contestant was “Nancy,” because, “She always picks on me!” That was a sentiment shared by a lot of the contestants. Twinkle said she should win because, “I’m a happy person and generous,” and identified herself as a European Amazon.

Cricket was the sister of Fancy Pants and her special talents were jumping around and shaking. She said her least favorite contestant was Minnie Pearl because, “She’s not the same as she used to be.”
Granny Lots of Love’s special talent was being able to change the engine oil in anything from cars to trucks. She supposedly lives in a trailer behind the alley. Her least favorite contestant was Daisy, because, “She’s too cute!” She said Daisy needed a stun gun taken to her because she stopped freight trains and held up interstate commerce. Granny tried to bribe the judges for votes, which seemed to have an effect, since she was one of the winners. She was a dancer at night and a plumber by day.
Minnie Pearl claimed that the Nurse glowed in the dark. “She” was married, yet drove a car straight through from Nashville to Hopkins so she could be in the contest. She used to drive a Peterbilt.
Nadine the Drama Queen said her special talent was in creating drama, which she inherited from her parents.

Katie Scooter, who wore a Mustang football jersey, killed birds for the feathers she was wearing. Her least favorite contestant was Rogetta, who she was supposedly neighbors with. Her special talents were watching toads holler, making apple sauce without even trying, and being a professional dancer. She also disliked the Nurse, who she saw as creepy.

The introduction of Toad Holler led to a debate about where it started and where it ended. Perennial contestant Rogetta claimed she never lived in Toad Holler. She kissed the emcee. Her best friend was Twinkle, who helped her down the steps after the interview.

Dazzling Doris lived in the ditch in the sticks. She said her best quality was her lips, and her ability to be different. “It takes a different kind of person to like the Nurse,” she said. “You don’t ever want to know what the Nurse does.” She also enjoyed a health supply of Botox. When she came down, Penelope protested Doris’ inclusion into the contest, demanding that the police come and either take Doris to jail or the zoo. No arrests were made.

Sassy Sally lives here, there, and everywhere, and her special talent was this, that, and the other. Her least favorite contestant was Doris, whose legs were too big and kept trying to push her around. Her hobby was waxing, but freely admits she misses spots. She was also a professional twirler.

Daisy was from Hazard County, works for Boss Hogg, and waits tables at the Boars Nest. She said she had to make money so she could keep her cousins out of jail; thankfully, she said she knew the sheriff. She said her least favorite contestant was Nancy, because she suckered her into the contest.

Marie Lanoe, who looked like Dustin Rowen, was born in the swamp in Louisiana and was a professional dancer. She made the other contestants jealous and hopped around the stage like crazy. She did not get along with dogs as a neighborhood dog got agitated by her presence, barking and snarling at her before the contest. Marie’s special talent was doing tricks with her whip, which she did in ample supply. While the judges gave the prize to Daisy, everybody in the audience wanted Marie to win. As such, the Sheridan Express will give her the People’s Choice Award as a consolation prize.

As the judges were determining their verdict, and the contestants went off to raise money for Camp Quality, Penelope took one last shot at Doris. “She’s ugly, she needs to get out,” she said. They all came back in timely fashion, except for one contestant who was being overly friendly with one of the members of the audience.